New Adult Humor

Added on October 31st

Top Ten Halloween Things That Sound Dirty but Aren't

10. She's a goblin.

9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.

8. Let me see your bag... Oh! your having a great night.

7. Just get on your knees and bob your head.

6. She's got a nice couple of pumpkins on her porch.

5. If you just lick it, it will last longer.

4. Show me your Jujubes and I'll show you my Zag Nuts.

3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.

2. You scared me stiff.

1. He's got candy spread out on the floor.

Added on October 15th

Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

- During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.

- His new computer includes a DVD drive and a tissue dispenser.

- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."

- Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."

- He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.

- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."

- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.

- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

- During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"

- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.

Added on October 6th

The butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night, he was awakened by strange noises coming from below. He tiptoed downstairs and quietly observed that his 19-year-old daughter was sitting on the chopping block and masturbating with a liverwurst.

He sighed and tiptoed back to bed.

The next morning, a customer came in and asked for some liverwurst. The butcher explained that he didn't have any. The customer was annoyed. He pointed and said, "No liverwurst, eh? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right over there?"

The butcher frowned at him and replied, "That, sir, is my son-in-law."

Added on October 6th

Q: What do you call a woman that can iron with one foot, cook a meal with her right hand, vacuum with her other foot and masturbate you with her left hand.

A: A Swiss Army Wife.

Added on September 29th

"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"

Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I'll say. What was the occasion?"

"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

Added on September 26th

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"

And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"

And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"


But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"

But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!"

Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarrassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.

The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

Added on September 26th

Mr. Smith got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed that his fly was open. When leaving the office, she said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know that your barrack's door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, being quite witty, replied, "Why no, Mr. Smith, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags!"

Added on September 26th

A 75-year-old man went to his favorite bar and met a woman with whom he hit if off real well. They went to her place and had sex. The old man tried and tried, but he could not achieve orgasm.

A few days later, he noticed a drip at the end of his penis, so he went to see the doctor about this oddity. The doctor asked him if he had sex recently to which the old man said that he had.

"Do you remember who the woman was and where she lived?" the doctor asked.

"Sure do," replied the old man.

"Then you better get over there right away," said the doctor. "You're about to come."

Added on September 26th

A guy comes home all excited. "Honey, I've discovered a new position we can try to spice up our sex life!"

The wife asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies, "Back to back."

The woman thinks for a moment and says, "That's impossible. It can't be done."

The husband says, "Sure it can. And I've persuaded another couple to help us."

Added on September 26th

Two guys were cruising downtown, hoping to improve their sex life.

As they passed the mortuary, one elbows the other and says, "How 'bout stopping in for a cold one?"