New Clean Jokes

Added on February 1st

As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by my friends, relatives, and co-workers. Over the years, I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries.

In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?"

In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?"

In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone yet ?"

Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"

Added on January 31st

A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, 'There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn.'

'No problem,' chimed the Rabbi. 'My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening.' With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. 'What's wrong?' asked the farmer. He replied, 'I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.'

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. 'What's wrong?' the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, 'I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!'

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

Added on January 31st     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor said, "Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "The 8:30 or the 10 AM service?"

Added on January 30th

"According to a new report, the most frequently delayed flight in the country is Delta's 6:30 flight from New York to Washington, D.C. - which is late 100 percent of the time. Delta officials plan to fix the problem by re-naming the 6:30 flight the '7:30 flight.'"
--Conan O'Brien

Added on January 27th

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."

After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.

Added on January 27th

A husband and wife came for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.

The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down;. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."

Added on January 27th     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

After Goldilocks broke into the three bears house, Momma and Poppa bear smacked Baby bear for leaving the door unlocked. Baby bear's squeals were reported to Children's Services and the three were hauled into court.

Momma bear and Poppa bear blamed each other for the unbearable abuse and, having separated, each asked for custody of Baby bear.

In a kindly voice, the Judge asked Baby Bear "Do you want to live with your mother?"

Baby bear shook his head. "No, Momma bear beats me."

"Then would you like to live with your father?" asked the Judge.

"No," said Baby bear. "He beats me too."

"Well," says the Judge, "who do you want to live with?"

Baby Bear thinks for a moment. "The Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody."

Added on January 26th

We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, 'Better like this...or like this?'"

Added on January 24th     Submitted by: David

Sister Mary was having a class on vocations. She asked the students what they wanted to be when they grow up.

Sister Mary: "Tommy, what would you like to be?"

Tommy: "I'd like to be a fireman!"

Sister Mary: "Fine, Tommy. Susie, how about you?"

Susie: "I want to be a nurse!"

Sister Mary: "Susie, that's wonderful. Joey, how about you?"

Joey: "I want to be a priest."

Sister Mary: "God bless you, Joey. Margaret, what about you?"

Margaret: "I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Mary: "What did you say?"

Margaret: "I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Mary: "I'm not sure I heard you correctly. Say that again, please."

Margaret: "I WANT TO BE A PROSTITUTE!"

Sister Mary: "What a relief! For a minute, I thought you wanted to be a PROTESTANT!"

Added on January 24th

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...