New Dirty Jokes

Added on October 6th

The butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night, he was awakened by strange noises coming from below. He tiptoed downstairs and quietly observed that his 19-year-old daughter was sitting on the chopping block and masturbating with a liverwurst.

He sighed and tiptoed back to bed.

The next morning, a customer came in and asked for some liverwurst. The butcher explained that he didn't have any. The customer was annoyed. He pointed and said, "No liverwurst, eh? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right over there?"

The butcher frowned at him and replied, "That, sir, is my son-in-law."

Added on September 29th

10 More Reasons To Have Sex

1) Sex to Increase Energy - "I was living with a guy, and we were going to start a T-shirt business. We worked day and night to get it off the ground. We used sex to keep us awake and full of energy. My lover would fuck me, but not have an orgasm. So we would fuck six, seven, eight times a day just to get our energy up. The business was a big success, until I left him. Then it went quickly down hill."
- Nora Govan, Pot Dealer

2) Sex as a Gift - "For my best friend's 40th birthday, I sent her this very sexy, hot, 22 year old guy to make love to her. She said it was the best present she'd ever had in her entire life."
- Carol Sternhell, Modeling Agent

3) Sex to Wake Up - "I'm a very heavy sleeper, and I fucking hate alarm clocks. The best way to get me out of bed is to fuck me hard and fast for just a few minutes. A nice, wild quickie first thing in the morning, and I'm wide awake, baby."
- Robin Spear, Bartender

4) Sex to Cure Back Pain - "I hurt my back doing gymnastics when I was a teenager. Now sometimes my lower back really hurts. One thing I found that really helps is anal sex. I swear to God, it really works."
- Bubbles Delight, Stripper

5) Sex to Keep Warm in the Winter - "We like to go skiing up in the Catskills. If we stay in a cabin and there's not a lot of heat, what better way to stay warm than to make mad, passionate love? It's better than an electric blanket any day."
- Scott Chelnk, Writer/Editor

6) Sex as a Cream Rinse - "In high school we would try to get girls to suck our dicks by telling them that sperm made their hair real shiny. None of them believed me, but I'll betcha it's true."
- Michael Cyril, Costumer

7) Sex for Stress Reduction - "Some men like to go to the bar during lunch hour to relax. I like to visit my lover. Then I return to work totally relaxed, which lasts about an hour, because I have a high pressure job."
- Charles Lenhoff, Stockbroker

8) Sex as a Spiritual Experience - "Being so totally and completely in love with my mate, I find that sex can be a manifestation of godliness. When we connect, I feel at one with the Earth, with God and with Life. I feel so whole and complete and so holy and nourished."
- Rubin Howard, Nursery School Teacher

9) Sex for Exercise - "Sex is great for maintaining physical fitness. My girlfriend has really hard thighs from being on top. It's great exercise. She demands that I don't come until she finishes her thigh workout. And look at my arms. That's just from pumping nookie. It's good for the heart. You know, cardiovascular stuff. It's the only excercise I do, and I'm in great shape."
- Bob Dee Widder, Jewelery Salesman

10) Sex for Thrills and Adventure - "My boyfriend and I live dangerously. We have all kinds of wild sexual adventures. Last week, we were at the movies, and he was playing with my pussy the whole time. It was raining and we were under an umbrella with raincoats on. No one could tell what we were doing. It was exciting."
- Kitty Wichner, Dietician

Added on September 26th

A 75-year-old man went to his favorite bar and met a woman with whom he hit if off real well. They went to her place and had sex. The old man tried and tried, but he could not achieve orgasm.

A few days later, he noticed a drip at the end of his penis, so he went to see the doctor about this oddity. The doctor asked him if he had sex recently to which the old man said that he had.

"Do you remember who the woman was and where she lived?" the doctor asked.

"Sure do," replied the old man.

"Then you better get over there right away," said the doctor. "You're about to come."

Added on September 26th

A guy comes home all excited. "Honey, I've discovered a new position we can try to spice up our sex life!"

The wife asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies, "Back to back."

The woman thinks for a moment and says, "That's impossible. It can't be done."

The husband says, "Sure it can. And I've persuaded another couple to help us."

Added on September 5th

I grabbed a shirt from the closet this morning and noted that it did not look familiar to me. I put it on and thought, "Nice shirt."

I got to the office and my buddy Steve and a couple of the ladies were milling about.

"Nice shirt," said Mary.

"Yeah, I thought so, too," I said. "But I don't remember ever seeing it before."

My buddy Steve grabbed my collar to look at the tag. "Must belong to one of the guys your wife is blowing."

Added on September 3rd

A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering. The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-Boston."

Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down. The next guy stood and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."

He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down. The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."

The would be therapist fell to her knees and began performing blowing the guy with gusto. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?"

He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach."

Added on September 3rd

A bloke was complaining to his mate a few days after scoring a new woman.

"Mate," he said, "This new lady of mine is really weird. All she wants me to do is screw her in the ear."

"That is weird," his mate replied.

"Yeah," the bloke continued. "Every time I go to stick my dick in her mouth, she turns her head."

Added on September 3rd

An enterprising, but bashful sailor finds himself on shore leave in Korea for his first time. While the rest of the guys are out having a jolly good time in the red light district of Pusan, our hero just can't get up the nerve to ask the local girls how much it costs for a good time.

He sits at his table for a moment watching the girls, and devises a get laid plan.

One of the local girls approaches him and asks, "Wat is you name?"

He replies, "Rick Venus"

She says, "Lick Penus?"

He says, "Sure how much?"

Added on August 20th

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, 'Lord, they're finally together.'

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, 'Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'

The friend replied, 'I think he means her legs.'

Added on July 31st

Two explorers walking through a jungle stumble upon a tribe of savages, who promptly tie the two explorers up and take them to the chief of the tribe. The chief presents them with two options: death, or pungee.

The first explorer thinks to himself "Well, anything's gotta be better than dying", so he chooses pungee.

The chief then throws his hands up in the air and yells "pungee".

Suddenly the whole tribe (a few hundred of'em) rip off their loin clothes and all begin savagely fucking the explorer up the ass. Some of the savages take sharp sticks and shove them up the explorers ass. The raping goes on for hours, and when it finally ends, the explorer is left quivering on the ground in a pool of his own blood, yet still alive.

The other explorer, who had been watched in horror the whole time says "Holy shit, I'll take death"

"Very well then" the chief replies, "death... by PUNGEE!!!