New Funny Jokes
Here are our most recent 10 New Funny Jokes. Be sure to rate as many of our Random Funny Jokes as you want. Check out all of our other categories too!
Back to New Jokes
Added on November 3rd My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.
"I have to ask you to move your car," my husband told him.
"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"
"No," he replied, "it's parked in the wrong driveway."
Added on November 3rd Filling out job applications is so depressing. I was filling one out the other day and I got to the part that says "Sex?"
Well, I prefer to 'F', but I'm usually alone, so I had to circle 'M'."
Added on November 3rd Computers are not intelligent.
They only think they are.
Added on November 3rd When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."
"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."
Added on October 31st Top Ten Halloween Things That Sound Dirty but Aren't
10. She's a goblin.
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag... Oh! your having a great night.
7. Just get on your knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a nice couple of pumpkins on her porch.
5. If you just lick it, it will last longer.
4. Show me your Jujubes and I'll show you my Zag Nuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff.
1. He's got candy spread out on the floor.
Added on October 15th Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
Added on October 15th With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.
When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again.
Again the mother says "not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"
And the mother says, "When the baby cries."
And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"
The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."
Added on October 6th With their 30th wedding anniversary approaching, Ron asks his wife, Sylvia, what she wants to celebrate the occasion.
"Would you like to have a new mink coat?" Ron asks.
"No, not really," Sylvia responds.
"Well, how about a new Porsche?" asks Ron.
"No, thanks," Sylvia replies.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" Ron suggests.
"No," says Sylvia.
"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?" Ron asks.
"I'd like a divorce, Ron," answers Sylvia.
"Sorry, honey, I wasn't planning on spending that much," replies Ron.
Added on September 29th When the doctor says: "One of several things could cause your symptoms."
What the doctor means: "I haven't the foggiest idea what's wrong with you."
When the doctor says: "Are you certain you haven't had this before?"
What the doctor means: "Because now you've got it again."
When the doctor says: "I'd like to run that last test over."
What the doctor means: "The lab lost your sample."
When the doctor says: "This prescription has a few side effects."
What the doctor means: "You may experience sudden hair growth on your palms."
When the doctor says: "Your insurance should cover most of this."
What the doctor means: "You'll have to sell your house to cover the rest."
When the doctor says: "Let's go over your symptoms once more."
What the doctor means: "I can't remember who you are."
When the doctor says: "How long have you had these symptoms?"
What the doctor means: "How do you feel about living with them the rest of your life?"
When the doctor says: "It looks like bursitis."
What the doctor means: "Does the name "Quasimodo" ring a bell?"
When the doctor says: "This won't hurt much."
What the doctor means: "Did you bring a bullet to bite?"
When the doctor says: "There's a lot of this going around."
What the doctor means: "And we'll give it a name as soon as we figure out what it is."
When the doctor says: "We'll just remove this ingrown toenail."
What the doctor means: "A cane and orthopedic shoes should help."
Added on September 29th "Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"
Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"
"I'll say. What was the occasion?"
"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."
|
