New Golf Jokes

Added on January 31st

Q: Why can't O.J. and Heidi Fliess play golf together?

A: She's a hooker and he's a slicer

Added on January 27th

Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so he goes to his local brothel. He enters and finds the madam. As it's the busiest time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is Chinese and doesn't know a word of English. "I'll take her," he says desperately, as he is also in a hurry.

So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going full whack, the girl begins to shout out "Sung wa! Sung wa!" To which Victor assumes that this means great, fantastic, etc, so he continues unperturbed.

The following day he as at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective Chinese client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can. Just then, the client T's off and gets a whole in one. This gives Victor the opportunity to use his newly found Chinese phrase... "Sung wa! Sung wa!" he proclaims, to which the client replies, "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

Added on January 27th

A husband and wife came for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.

The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down;. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."

Added on October 27th

Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, "I really need to take a crap..."

"The second replied, "Well there's a tree, go behind it and do your stuff."

"The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, "But, I don't have any toilet paper."

Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have a dollar don't you? Just use it to wipe yourself"

Reluctantly, the first guy goes and does his stuff. Minutes later he comes back with crap all over him. The second asks, "Damn, what happened? Didn't you use the dollar?"

"Hell yes, but have you ever tried to wipe with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?"

Added on August 5th

Three guys are driving down the road and their car breaks down, so they went to a farmer's house and asked if they could stay for the night. The farmer said okay but someone has to sleep with the chickens, someone has to sleep with the cows, and someone has to sleep with his 18 daughters.

So one slept with the chickens, one with the cows, and one with his 18 daughters.

The next day, one said that he felt like he was a chicken, the other said that he felt like a cow, and the third said he felt like golf ball. The farmer asked why he felt like a golf ball, to which the man replied that if you were in and out of 18 holes in one night, you would feel like one too.

Added on November 19th

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.

He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?"

"Yes, right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie.

The friend asks the genie, "Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will" the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.

The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

He answers,"I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

Added on July 24th

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again."

But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?"

"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. "I'm a 27 handicap."

Added on December 11th

After hitting his 7th ball into the water on the 4th hole, a father turns to his son and says, "It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do."

Added on November 1st

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that!"

Added on April 23rd

A man tees off on the first green and hits the perfect shot -- a hole in one. He runs to the green to retrieve his ball and when he does out comes a genie. "I am the genie of the first green. For getting a hole in one I shall grant you one wish."

Without giving it a second chance the guy wishes for a big dick. The genie says wish granted then disappears. Well, the guy looks down into his pants only to find no change. "Oh well, I came to golf so I'll finish the round." As he completes each hole he begins to notice a change -- his dick IS getting bigger. In fact, by the time he finishes the 18th hole he has to tuck it in his sock. "Look at me. I'm a freak. I can't stay like this. I've got to do something about this." So he goes back to the first green and again hits a hole in one.

This time when the genie arrives the guy says, "I wish for longer legs."