New Gross Jokes

Added on September 29th

Dateline: London
A British man was found guilty yesterday of having sex with a dog after a video he made of the act was inadvertently shown to speechless wedding guests expecting to see a replay of a marriage ceremony.

The 59-year-old man lent his video recorder to a friend to film the wedding, but forgot to erase from the tape scenes of him in sex acts with a neighbor's bull terrier named Ronnie.

Added on September 26th

Two guys were cruising downtown, hoping to improve their sex life.

As they passed the mortuary, one elbows the other and says, "How 'bout stopping in for a cold one?"

Added on July 24th     Submitted by: Dermot

A guy, who had had one or two gets on to a double decker bus and finds himself a seat on the upper deck. The bus conductor comes along to collect his fare when the guy asks him
"Would it be alright if I brought up a crate of beer?"

"No Problem" says the bus conductor as there was plenty of room on the upper deck.

And the guy goes "Blaaghhhhhhh" all over the floor of the bus

Added on July 11th

Q: What do you get when you cross diarrhea with constipation?

A: A pressure washer

Added on December 4th

A scientist calls his assistant in and tells him, "I've created an apple that tastes like pussy! I think I'll market it and call it something like 'Forbidden Fruit brand apples'"

The assistant says, "Great, let me have a bite!" He takes a bite and quickly spit's it back out. "That tastes like shit!"

"Oh." says the scientist, "Turn it over."

Added on October 24th

This young stud was at his favorite singles bar one night, looking over the current crop of women, when he spotted, down at the end of the bar, an absolutely ravishing older woman of about 50 or so. He was used to scoring with much younger girls, but he figured, what the hell.

He went over and used one of his best pick-up lines; the woman was VERY receptive!! So, soon they are back at her hotel room, doing the wild thing, and as he takes one of her tits in his mouth and sucks on it, he is rewarded with a mouthful of a warm sticky fluid.

"Hey," he said, "aren't you a little old to be lactating?"

"Yes," she said, "But not too old for breast cancer!"

Added on September 21st

Q: What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school?

A: I'll see you next period.

Added on September 17th     Submitted by: Uncle Bob

Jody and Sara live in the swamps of Louisiana.
One day Sara came up missing.

It took three days for all of the locals and the sheriff to find Sara. The sheriff says to Jody, "I have bad news and I have good news about Sara."

"What is the bad news", asks Jody?

"We found Sara face down in the swamp, she's dead."

"Well what kind of good news can there be", ask Jody?

The Sheriff responded, "We got 24 blue crab off her, we decided to leave for another 3 days and run her again."

Added on September 17th

The local Pastor was visiting the home of Sister Jones to comfort her after the recent loss of her husband. "Come in Pastor." Stated Sister Jones. "Have a seat on the sofa."

Sitting on the sofa, the Pastor eyed a dish of peanuts setting on the coffee table. He took a few of the peanuts and began to eat them. After ten minutes he noticed that he had eaten nearly all the peanuts. "Why Sister Jones," said the Pastor, "It appears that I have eaten almost all your peanuts."

"That's okay Pastor." replied Sister Jones. "Now that I have lost all my teeth I only get to suck the chocolate off!"

Added on July 16th

It seems this guy had been experimenting with an unusual method of seeking auto erotic gratification; namely, inserting a live fish into his anus.

What he hadn't counted on was the fish's scales acting, in effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture your tires if you try to go the other way.

In his pain and panic, he dialed 9-1-1. The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation and said, "Son, you gotta learn to chew your food better."