New Political Jokes

Added on September 16th

"This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your group is Arnold Schwarzenegger."
--Jimmy Kimmel

Added on September 3rd

A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in Amish country for the office of assemblyman. Outside an Amish homestead, he saw a young man milking a cow. He approached the man, ready to make his pitch for a vote.

Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house. "Luke, get in the house. And who is that guy you're talking to?"

"Says he's a politician, Pop," Luke said.

"In that case, you'd better bring the cow inside with you."

Added on March 4th

At a party, the hostess served a politician a cup of punch and told him it was spiked. Next, she served some to a minister. "I would rather commit adultery than allow liquor to pass my lips," he proclaimed.

Overhearing this, the politician poured his punch back and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

Added on March 4th

A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?"

"Yes, I do," replied the salesman.

"You a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man.

"A Republican," replied the salesman.

"Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off.

The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off.

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican.

"Democrat!" shouted the salesman.

"Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, he yells, "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!"

She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out. "What's the matter?" she asks.

"I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody!"

Added on January 15th

A reporter goes to Israel to cover the fighting. She is looking for something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something like that guy in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town square.

In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Wailing Wall and there he is! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

"Rebbecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For about 50 years."

"What do you pray for?"

"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For all of our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

Added on January 10th

And now some words from our Leaders...

"Damit, when you get married, you kind of expect you're going to get a little sex."
--Jeremiah Denton, senator from Alabama, 1981-86. Denton had offered a bill providing criminal immunity for raping a spouse.


"Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him is like trying to read a Playboy with your wife turning the pages."
--Barry Goldwater, 1964 Republican presidential nominee


"If guns are outlawed, how can we shoot the liberals?"
--Mike Gunn, Mississippi state senator, 1991


"We have every mixture you can imagine. I have a black, I have a woman, two Jews and a cripple."
--James Watt, Secretary of the Interior, 1981-83, describing an Interior Department advisory group.


"Bill Clinton's foreign policy experience is pretty much limited to having had breakfast once at the International House of Pancakes."
--Pat Buchanan, 1996 Republican presidential candidate.


"Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?"
--George Bush, touring Auschwitz in 1987.


"If you're worried about caribou, take a look at the arguments that were used about the pipeline. They'd say the caribou would be extinct. You've got to shake them away with a stick. They're all making love lying up against the pipeline, and you got thousands of caribou up there."
--George Bush, commenting on the Alaskan pipeline.

Added on November 2nd

The prostitution bill was brought up before the senate.

One senior senator stood up and said, "I believe that if we owe it, then we should pay it!"

Added on October 16th

"You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner."
-- Aristophanes

Added on February 7th

A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them.

The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

To which the man replied, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

Added on January 10th

"There was a huge accident today. Apparently a bunch of Republican candidates trying to distance themselves from President Bush ran into a bunch of Democrat candidates trying to distance themselves from John Kerry. They just collided in the middle. It was gruesome."
--Jay Leno