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New Funny Puns

The most recently added 10 New Funny Puns. Please rate as many Random Funny Puns as you feel like.
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This pun is attributed to Dorothy Parker who, when asked to use the word "horticulture" in a sentence on a game show, said:

"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think"



Q: What moisturizer do bullfighters use?

A: Olay.



Q: Why did the salmon want a camera?

A: To capture all the Kodiak moments!



A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn't decide whether to buy a bike with high top speed and poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and fast acceleration, but a poor top speed.

Eventually he decided on the second one, because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is cheap!



Q: Why did the doughnut shop close?

A: The owner got tired of the hole thing.



Juan and Julio are illegally crossing the US border between Mexico and Arizona. Trudging through the desert sands, they are hungry and thirsty, hoping to find one of the many water stations set up for just such as they, when Julio comes to a sudden stop.

Julio sniffs the air. "Juan, do you smell that?"

"What?"

"It smells like bacon!"

Juan snorts. "Bacon, in the middle of the desert? You are loco."

"It is bacon," Julio insists. "It must be a bacon tree!" With that Julio sprints over a sand dune and into the hands of the US Border Patrol.

As they are being handcuffed and whisked away for deportation, Juan looks angrily at his amigo. "Well, Julio. You were close. It wasn't a bacon tree."

"It was a ham bush."



Two young women went into a furniture store and asked to be directed to the sofa department. The salesman who greeted them was a chauvinistic good ol' boy who knew that his chances of making a sale were always much better when dealing with a married couple. Still, he reluctantly began showing them the sofas, settees and love seats.

"What we're really looking for is an upholstered footstool that's long and wide," one woman admitted.

"Oh, I might have known," responded the salesman, "but I don't think either of you are going to be able to find anything like that. I've always felt a woman can't get a long width ottoman."



A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.

"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Mike.

"Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."



Q: What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?

A: "Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"



Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie".

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front.

The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."