30 Random Anti-Chuck Norris Facts30 Random Anti-Chuck Norris Facts Return to Chuck Norris stayed in high school for 7 years until someone finally signed his yearbook. Many stuntmen who have worked with Chuck Norris complain on set that Chuck Norris makes far too many so-called jokes about "exchanging blows." Chuck Norris' milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Steven Segal once took a Total Gym and rammed it up Chuck Norris' ass. Sideways. Chuck Norris never flinched. Chuck Norris' vagina is so wide that his thighs don't touch even when his legs are crossed. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He passes out after two wine coolers. Chuck Norris manages a Baskin Robbins franchise. It only has access to 23 flavors. Chuck Norris masturbates furiously in a corner whenever he sees a Bowflex commercial. Chuck Norris likes to take bubble baths with scented candles. Chuck Norris doesn't like fat chicks. He loves them. Brad Pitt adopted one of Chuck Norris' children, and Chuck Norris still won't marry him. Chuck Norris always wears knee pads. When asked if they were for stunt purposes, Chuck Norris replied "sure." Jesus willfully crucified himself because he had insider information that Chuck Norris was going to be around in the future. Jesus did this not in fear of Chuck Norris himself, but in fear of Chuck Norris' acting. Chuck Norris starred in "Firewalker," a film in which he does not walk on fire. Chuck Norris' wife was heard howling with laughter throughout the hotel on their honeymoon. Chuck Norris won't suck one, but he will hold it in his mouth until it goes soft. Chuck Norris is credited with the invention of bottled water. Chuck Norris has a signed poster of Vin Diesel directly above his bed. Sadly, Chuck Norris does not realize that the signature is a mass-produced mechanical replica. Chuck Norris once walked into a gay bar because he wanted to. Another time, he walked into another gay bar. Now, it is a weekly habit. Richard Simmons once told Chuck Norris to quit acting like such a fag. Every time Chuck Norris performs a roundhouse kick, he pops two hemorrhoids. Every time Chuck Norris curls his bicep, an angel gets its wings. Chuck Norris has yet to find the G-spot. Scientists find it perplexing that Chuck Norris doesn't know his way around his vagina. Chuck Norris shampoos with conditioner, and then actually repeats. Chuck Norris scored an 8 on the "Are you a good boyfriend" quiz in Cosmo. Chuck Norris' inflamed prostate is the size of a watermelon, and produces really gross shit that has no use in any way in modern society. Chuck Norris' recites a line from The Notebook as his finishing move in a scrapped version of Mortal Kombat. Chuck Norris's favorite Mario Kart character is Princess Peach. Princess Peach's favorite "Walker, Texas Ranger" character is Jimmy Trivette. Chuck Norris auditioned for the T-800 part in the Terminator, but was refuted when it was discovered that he was part man, part cyborg himself. Capitalizing on the machine he was made out of, Chuck Norris assembled official Chuck Norris dildos with self-described "12 inches of action and excitement!" |