30 Random Anti-Chuck Norris Facts30 Random Anti-Chuck Norris Facts Return to Best Jokes Chuck Norris always wears knee pads. When asked if they were for stunt purposes, Chuck Norris replied "sure." When Chuck Norris uses Verizon Wireless, you can't hear him now. Chuck Norris lost custody of his children in an arm wrestling match with Bea Arthur. Chuck Norris has a summer home on "Brokeback Mountain." Chuck Norris once tried to enter an Ugly Contest and was told, "Sorry, no professionals." Chuck Norris will fight you any time of the day. Except when "The View" is on. Chuck Norris employs a legion of Mexican landscapers to suppress the manly wilderness that is his back. Chuck Norris was once heard saying, "Boy, I sure wish Jessica Simpson had smaller tits." Chuck Norris adopted a young black child so he could test out his racist jokes first. Chuck Norris paid for a beer in a dirty glass with money out of his coin purse. Chuck Norris once had sex with a woman, but his orgasm was so powerful it blew a hole threw her. Then he cried and tried to cuddle with her bleeding vagina. Chuck Norris has guest directed four episodes of Will and Grace. Before each episode, Chuck Norris requested that Grace be replaced by his friend, "Peter." Chuck Norris' hip breaking was heard across 12 states. Chuck Norris was once invited back to his high school to speak at a graduation. Upon his arrival, Screech, Slater, Kelly, Lisa, and Jesse said, "That's not Zack Morris, that's Chuck Norris!" Mr. Belding broke the bad news to the class that Zack would not be attending the graduation, then delivered a roundhouse kick to Chuck Norris and sent him to detention. Chuck Norris, realizing he his career is going down the tube, drowns himself in a gallon of ice cream which is promptly melted by his warm, salty tears. Chuck Norris can suck the AIDS virus right out of a grown man's cock, then spit it into a bottle for research. Chuck Norris raped my dog. And then my youth. And then my dog again. Chuck Norris has no friends on Myspace. Chuck Norris uses live rattlesnakes as condoms. Tiny, baby rattlesnakes. Steven Segal once took a Total Gym and rammed it up Chuck Norris' ass. Sideways. Chuck Norris never flinched. Chuck Norris adopts orphans from the Asian tsunami disaster, only to make them sit for hours in his pool while he yells at them for not having emotional breakthroughs. Chuck Norris once burned his lips on the tailpipe of a car while trying to blow it up for a movie. Chuck Norris didn't really tell Admiral Akbar about the trap. On January 12, 1995 Chuck Norris shaved his beard. On January 13, 1995 Chuck Norris filed a missing person claim on himself. Chuck Norris was born Chuck Stevens but took his wife's name when they were married. Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter. On Facebook, Chuck Norris has no pictures tagged by others. Chuck Norris was once a female East German shot-putter named Berta Schultz. She was laughed off the team for throwing like a girl. Several operations later, Berta became Chuck. S/he lives with that shame every day. Chuck Norris was seen running out of Jenny Craig crying because his strict diet of Tony Danza's spunk didn't work. |
