Newest Jokes

Added on Thursday, February 2nd, 2012

Q: What do gays do on a second date??

A: What second date??

Added on Thursday, February 2nd, 2012     Submitted by: Dave Munter

You may be a redneck if...

Your idea of an "Automatic Windshield Washer" is to tie Junior to the hood of your truck with a bottle of Windex and a clean T-shirt.

Added on Thursday, February 2nd, 2012

PHILANTHROPIST, n: One who gives away what he should give back.
---Unknown.

Added on Thursday, February 2nd, 2012     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

An ACORN employee in Philadelphia goes to jail for Voter fraud. They put him in a cell with a three hundred pound guy thick as a tree trunk with a shaved head and prison tattoos. Having heard what happens to new guys in prison and being nervous, he figures he had better introduce himself. He extends his hand and says with a quivering voice, "Hi my name is Jack Hawkins."

The big guy extends his hand and says by way of introduction, "Turner Brown." Little Jack Hawkins passes out. The big guy puts him on a bunk and waits for him to come to.

"Why did you pass out?" the huge convict asked.

Hawkins replies, "What did you say your name was?"

"Turner Brown," he replies.

"Oh God," little Jack said. "I thought you said 'TURN AROUND'."

Added on Thursday, February 2nd, 2012     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

The California Highway Patrol Officer pulls over to the shoulder behind the blonde driver in obvious distress. What isn't obvious is why her two blonde passengers are lifting their tops and baring their breasts to passing motorists who respond by slowing down, honking their horns and yelling encouragement out the windows, creating a traffic nightmare on one of Los Angeles's busiest freeways.

"What the hell is going on here?" the officer demands.

"Well, duh, I've got a flat tire," the blonde responds.

Sputtering, the officer gestures at her passengers. "No, no...I mean what are they doing?"

"Well, duh." the blonde driver explains like its the most obvious thing in the world. "They are my emergency flashers."

Added on Wednesday, February 1st, 2012

Q: How long does it take for a woman to orgasm?

A: Who cares?

Added on Wednesday, February 1st, 2012     Submitted by: Sasha From Russia

On a Houston street:
- Say, dude, how do I get to the hospital from here?
- You say something bad about Texas, motherfucker ...

Added on Wednesday, February 1st, 2012     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet in a year's time whichever family had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."

Added on Wednesday, February 1st, 2012

A man enters an adult shop for the very first time on his way home from work one afternoon. He sheepishly flicks through a couple of dirty magazines, looks at the chains, leathers and rubber dolls hanging from the ceiling and casually checks out the items on display in the counter.

Suddenly, he's greeted by a "Good afternoon sir and how can I help you."

The man points at this huge item in the counter and asks what it is. The salesman replies "That's the latest technology sir, a vibrating vagina."

"How much is it?" the man asks.

"$150" the salesman replies.

And with that, the man pulls out his wallet, pays the salesman the money and leaves with his vibrating vagina. When he arrives home, his wife is in the kitchen cooking their evening meal. The man walks in, places the box on the kitchen table, pulls the vibrating vagina out of the box and places it on the table.

His wife looks at it curiously and says "Well, what's that then?"

"It's the latest technology, a vibrating vagina." the man replies.

"Well, what do you want me to do with?" his wife asks.

"TEACH IT HOW TO COOK AND FUCK OFF"

Added on Wednesday, February 1st, 2012

Q: What do you call a gay farmer?

A: A jolly rancher