Top 10 Best Jokes

Current Rating: 4.25

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

Current Rating: 4.17

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Current Rating: 4.14

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars.

"That’s an outrageous price!" said a local farmer, "but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government."

"Why is that?"

"Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways."

Current Rating: 4.13

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of an old Australian ABC television interview between a female broadcaster and General Peter Cosgrove (ex head of the Australian Defence Forces, and now all round nice guy doing lots of non-Army crap) who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters (he was still the Army boss at this time).

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Current Rating: 4

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

Current Rating: 4

25 Ways To Annoy A Yankee

1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3. When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left."
4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.
8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .)
11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "pee-can."
14. Put Tabasco on everything.
15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!", say , "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"
16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies - banana ones.
17. Name all of your children "Bubba".
18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.
19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something.
20. Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.
21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations.
23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there."
24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
25. Call 'em a Yankee. Works every time.

Current Rating: 4

While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter.

She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs, and you play the fiddle."

She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed and to their amazement, she began playing the fiddle with great natural skill.

She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis."

She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health. So she went back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus.

While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until she lets rip a humongous batch of anal air. She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know.

She goes back and puts another quarter in the machine. Out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex."

She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw around with for months, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to go at it like rutting pigs.

The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs. You've fiddled, you've farted, you've screwed around, and now you've missed your bus."

Current Rating: 3.9

A student had spent all his money, so he called his mother from college and asked if she could send him some.

"Of course, I'll send you some money, dear," Mom said. "By the way, you left your calculus book here when you visited last month. Would you like me to send that to you too?"

"Ummmmm, oh yeah, OK Mom," the boy replied.

So, Mom wrapped the book, together with the checks, kissed Dad goodbye and went to the post office to mail the parcel.

When she returned, Dad asked, "So, how much did you send him this time?"

"I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000," Mom replied.

"Have you lost your mind?" Dad exclaimed. "That's $1020!"

"Not to worry," Mom said calmly, as she kissed the top of Dad's head. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 check somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"

Current Rating: 3.78

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?

"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler' Wooooo! Wooooo ! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Kawabonga!! Weee Doggies!! Look at the size of this cave! It's much bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read: "Naked Hillbilly Run Over by Freight Train."

Current Rating: 3.74

Things Rednecks Will Never Say

-I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
-Duct tape won't fix that.
-Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
-Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
-We don't keep firearms in this house.
-Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
-You can't feed that to the dog.
-I thought Graceland was tacky.
-No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
-Wrestling's fake.
-Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
-We're vegetarians.
-Do you think my gut is too big?
-I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
-Honey, we don't need another dog.
-Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
-Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
-Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
-Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
-I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
-Checkmate.
-She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
-Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
-Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
-I don't have a favorite college team.
-Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
-You ALL.
-Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
-Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.