Top 10 Best Jokes

Current Rating: 4.38

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her.

To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

Current Rating: 3.89

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of an old Australian ABC television interview between a female broadcaster and General Peter Cosgrove (ex head of the Australian Defence Forces, and now all round nice guy doing lots of non-Army crap) who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters (he was still the Army boss at this time).

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Current Rating: 3.85

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.

One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said "Yes"

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."

Current Rating: 3.73

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I've just shot all the sons of bitches!" Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you’d shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Current Rating: 3.72

For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike."

Current Rating: 3.72

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over", he said.

Current Rating: 3.7

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peaks in and catches his folks in the act. Before daddy can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees...

Johnny hops on daddy and starts going to town... pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping... Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off.

Current Rating: 3.7

Pointed Observations...

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Current Rating: 3.68

Little Johnny walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen she dress’s quickly and goes to find him.

Little Johnny sees his mom and asks "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You’re wasting your time," say’s Little Johnny.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Current Rating: 3.68

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and -"

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father comes home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaks the husband.

"Go ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!"