Top 5 Best Dirty Jokes

Current Rating: 3.75

There was a Scottish man in a bar with his two friends minding there own business.

The next minute in storms two punks, one of the punks had long spiky hair, one spike blue, one spike green, one spike red and one spike yellow.

The Scottish man couldn't take his eyes off the punks hair.

This came to the punks attention after a while the punk said "have you got a problem mate?"

The Scottish man says "no, but can I ask how old you are please?"

The punk says "19, why?"

The Scottish man says "Well 20 years ago I had sex with a parrot so I might be your dad"

Current Rating: 3.5

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a mistress and a wife?

A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you through yet?"

The mistress says, "Are you through already?"

The wife says, "I think the ceiling needs painting!"

Current Rating: 3.47

In the middle of the harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obey the call of nature. He went to the edge of the field and started peeing. Most unfortunately, he was stung by a bee right on the "tip."

The pain was unbearable, but he knew a piece of good advice. He went to the farmers house and put his penis in buttermilk. At that moment the farmers daughter came in. With her face red, she stood perfectly still looking at him.

"Have you never seen one of these before?" the farmhand asked.

To which the girl replied, "Yes, but this is the first time I see one being reloaded!

Current Rating: 3.47

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring. The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock, and I was just wondering if you were my son."

Current Rating: 3.44

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny!?" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"Four cents," he replies.

"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."